Completing the circle
I popped a pill a moment ago in hopes of finding a breakthrough for my numbness in the past few days. Emptiness. Acceptance? Denial? Defeat? It’s clear though what is bothering me, it’s just how and when do I deal with it and go forward. Make that step.
The application to move back to Batesville taunts me. I’m ready despite the love I have for this what I felt was too small apartment I moved into almost two years ago. Nothing was going to take me from here for the exception of a fire or natural disaster. I suppose cancer is a natural disaster. But I’m done with the city that surrounds me. I want to be with family not just on the weekends anymore; I want to be surrounded by it more. I missed being there this weekend though not having to go through the transition of packing and renting a car for the weekend was a relief of sorts. Other than going for a couple long walks over the weekend to try and enjoy the unseasonable weather I felt trapped and alone.
When I submit to a movie that only took me one nap to get through you know I’m desperate.
I can hardly concentrate on writing and reading let alone a book now. Seemingly distracted by the thought of selling and purging my stuff to make likely my final move and easier one at least physically. To tear down a city life for the quiet of a small town. To give up my window, bricks, and convenience of just heading to the river for a walk over a big bridge. But there is nothing more here except for my doctor and chemo treatments that I’ll have to still tend to once I set myself free.
Free? Why is this freedom so frightening? I suppose that is what I’m searching for lately.
In the next two weeks or so I’ll probably make that step as it’s inevitable anyhow. 4 years ago I never thought it would come to this even though 4 years the struggle I was going through was much more difficult as I was just finally piecing my life back together after moving here on nothing but hope. I spent my first month or more here unemployed on a handful of dollars with no prospects. The comeback I made was unparalleled even though the moment it was realized I was dealt “the card”. Stick a kick in the pants. Still, the resolve and inspiration I’ve been able to deliver to myself and others rises above all this and has been my greatest accomplishment. I have more to do, and I have to accept though the environment is changing; the path is not.