Expectations

The good news about this morning is after a day of the worst back spasms I’ve encountered in a long time have subsided. I’ve had some in the past (long ago) that have shot through me and practically brought me to my knees, but yesterday, though not as severe, they were persistent. Oxycodone didn’t work. Morphine didn’t work. Finally an OTC I had lying around from before I was diagnosed seemed to tone them down a bit. I get these it seems about once a month but are usually pretty mild. I’m not sure what set them off yesterday, but I was gyrating in pain most of the day.

I was not looking forward to this morning with the bitter cold forecast. Oh sure, I didn’t HAVE to go anywhere, but some medical paperwork that needs to be processed wasn’t done electronically, but sent to me via MAIL?! So since I had a book on hold I wanted to get started on, and get the letter transformed into digital form I put on my winter duds and my bravest unshaven face and headed for the Skywalk. Most of my trek would have been warm if I hadn’t scooted a few blocks down to the library, but I managed. The only disappointment in all this is I took my book home, snuggled up into the now , COLD, window seat, and began reading.

IMG_5711

My window seat!

Grrr, only two chapters in and I was done. Maybe I’m distracted, but it seems the author wanted to paint a picture with poetry in every sentence instead of getting to the point. There were some inspirational lines, but I don’t need the view from your Utah cabin described to me. Tell me only what’s on the inside and how it can lift me from mine.

I’m looking for different points of inspiration now to develop my delivery into my own work. I think I’ll do well enough with what I’ve already read and happy with the foundation with what I’ve written and how it’s developing in my head. Once again I’m probably finding reasons to stall. Yeah, dying is scary, but trying to tell people what is like to put your life in perspective on your journey to die? That’s a lot of pressure I suppose. It’s certainly a reflection of vulnerability in the most intimate way.

I’m going to take a break and decide where, what, and how I’m going to manage my time and mind today. The ‘library’ is closed today, my window is being productive, but I’m a little uncomfortable. The music is good, my body is mostly good, and I’m glad I got my ‘errands’ done. Something is still pulling at me though. I just can’t put my finger on it.

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About jeffbedel

Indiana native that moved to Cincinnati in January 2012. Former trivia host, beer snob, foodie, non-conformist.

Posted on January 18, 2016, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I know you will figure out what’s pulling at you… Just be patient, like you are and you will figure it out. 🙂 Enjoy your day tomorrow and message me on FB and let me know how every thing is going. Would love to hear from you! Take care and looking forward to your book.

    • It’s amazing what a bowl of tomato soup will do. Comfort in simplicity is what I call it. Anyhow I had some lunch, grabbed my laptop, and wrote about 2,000 words in my window. 🙂

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