Suddenly I felt like yesterday that it’s me and cancer, and cancer, and blah, blah, cancer, blah, blah, and more cancer. I read something awhile back about not letting cancer define me, so I’m opting to stop focusing on it for awhile, at least publicly.
Yesterday I seemed to have a lot of different subjects rattling in my mind, and couldn’t wait to pick which one for today. This morning my mind was just blank. I couldn’t think of anything in particular and the one I was most likely to write about, the ESTP personality profile, wasn’t fit nor deserving either.
Then I saw this on Facebook this morning via my friend, Gabby;
Strangely enough, he was an ESTP. Then I thought more about the life I’ve lived and the life I have yet to live.
I think about writing subjects for each letter of the alphabet, or dedicating a post to every person I know. How I met them and why we are still friends. That’s quite an endeavor, but I like it.
I still think about how it seems everything I’ve done this year I caught myself saying “I haven’t done this or seen this person in 20 (+) years”. What was different about me and what was I doing 20 years ago that was seemingly as active and inspiring in comparison to today. What were my drives and passions then and why did they seem to go into hiding or nearly die 20 years ago?
20 years ago (1995 for those with math issues like me) was in fact the sun setting on one of the busiest, and funnest and free times in my life. Earlier in 1995 I was in my second year of college and pledging a fraternity. I had more friends at my disposal than at any other time in my life. It also came with excessive partying which led for the first time in my life poor attendance and grades as well. 1995 was a summer of traveling for a job that kept me afloat till the fall semester. I had support of that fraternity going into that semester, but I still withdrew before the end (passing) because I was simply in a free fall. I finished that semester feeling alienated and working a few jobs in hopes of eventually getting back on track. About this time 20 years ago (around christmas break) my parents came up and took me away from my unadulterated freedom.
I got myself on a really straight and narrow path in my 20’s and I was very depressed about it. Turning 30 subconsciously made it that much more difficult because being on that blinded and shackled path left my 20’s barren and lost. Fortunately with an exceptional therapist I owned my 30’s and reached incredible highs while living in Indy, and making my big boy move to Milwaukee. Again I met many people and had a lot of fun, but I think I had missed the big picture of what was important to me until I moved myself back to the hometown/Cincinnati area.
Of course what sucks is finally figuring it out and then having a terminal illness brought upon you to really put things into focus. Its been hyper-intense. But if that is what it takes to get your head out of your ass and live, then so be it.
I want to write more about life, and about what would have happened if I had taken the opposite fork in the road instead of the one that lead me here today. This could be fun, provocative, and most importantly something for me to share. I got a “ticket” of sorts today and I’m now more prepared for a long little ride. Hop aboard and let’s make life worth living! 🙂