So I relinquished my library book today. Strangely enough a memoir of someone’s spiritual journey. I don’t recall who or what led me to the book, Post-Traumatic Church Syndrome, but it seemed right for me given it sounded like something I’ve either been or still going through. Despite the twist in the book, I was overjoyed to share in the experience regarding the symbols of peacock feathers and disco balls.
Most importantly, once again, a book enveloped me for a couple of weeks and I’ve had a lot of stories and adventures, of my own memoir worthy material, building up inside me. The chapters have been building but the time constraint has been crushing.
Coming off the high of this book though one thing that I keep getting reminded of, along with some help of online radio, is how important love is. How it binds us, leads us and keeps us on a path/s, and most of the time is unexplainable – and that’s my favorite part.
It has been important to me to share some time with my nephew, Max. He inspires me because he lives life by ‘grabbing it by the horns’. He’s so competitive in everything he does – and he succeeds! My imagination just carries me of what he’s capable of.
But that also hurts.
I found myself in tears when I took him to the high school homecoming football game a few weeks ago. Huh? Why? Well, his aunt and uncle from his dad’s side ended up sitting behind us and they began to ask some questions of how I was doing in general. I began telling them how important it was to spend time with him, making it to Lambeau that weekend, etcetera. One of the things I mentioned was how everyone else will get to see Max play in middle school, high school, maybe beyond. But I likely won’t get to. Yes, he’s only in 3rd grade football, but this may be the only season I get to see him play. And part of me is living through him to do get to do the things I never got the opportunity to do at his age. I’m rooting for him for me as much as him. I’m invested.
Back to that radio thing, currently Ryan Adams has been getting a lot of airplay on indie/alternative radio covering a Taylor Swift song (he covered an entire album), it cued up on WNKU on the way to homecoming and he recognized it, but from knowing Taylor Swift songs. I was in awe. It was like our worlds collided from two different directions at top speed. It was so cool.
For something completely different on my long walk home tonight is now that I’m done reading for a bit, and I’m currently not writing at chemo since my laptop is not portable, I’m down to listening to podcasts or for the most part sleeping. I know I try to be overly brave, and help is seemingly the hardest thing for me to ask for – but I need some help.
I want someone at chemo with me if all possible. Even though the treatment itself is not all that hard, too easy actually, mentally it seems to be taxing me. I’m so happy it’s keeping me alive, but I feel like it’s the only thing keeping me alive. I need that support again, that love, to help keep me alive. I’ve been finding a lot of that through my travels and short trips home recently, but I need more. The leaves are disappearing, and my travel schedule will be sporadic at best in the upcoming months.
My chemo schedule is on my calendar. And to help matters I’ll be making the blog public again soon. Maybe even tonight.
My next scan will be in early December. Once again I’m anticipating good news and will basically renew another phase of looking forward. Maybe I’ll get motivated to write a book. Heh. You’ll never hear from me if that happens this winter.
So there’s my dump for the day/week/month. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned!