“That Monday”: A Preface
The most important thing to me and undoubtedly the biggest attribute to the turnaround in my perspective to being diagnosed with a terminal disease is when I went public on Facebook about a month after. The overwhelming support I received was the biggest cheering section I’ve ever been a part of in my life. It made me want to rise above what was handed to me. It made me want to not let you/them down for as long as possible.
With that being said, the SECOND most important to me in this journey is the security of my job. I didn’t quite get the cheering section at work as I did outside of work, but it is the one thing that allows me to have normalcy, money, benefits/insurance, and some long-term options. The problem is I trust nobody at work for the most part (if anything I at least trust my supervisor and director). In what I have deducted after being in fear of the slightest possibility of not having that job made me realize that my behavior at work, which is isolation, is my best defense of what I’ve deducted as self-preservation.
I arrive at work with my ear buds in, and they rarely leave my ears throughout the day. About the only time they leave my ears is to switch pairs for (wireless) battery or other reasons, or in the rare event I HAVE to use my phone. I would hope and think that listening to music or an Ed Schultz podcast would subject people/co-workers with the idea that I’m closed off and thou shalt not enter my space.
The small talkers of this world think they still have to share their small talk banter for what reasons I don’t fuckin’ understand. You are seriously interrupting me to tell me for the third time this week I have a nice shirt. Is that the best you’ve got? I hear people say things to me in the elevator. I don’t process what it is, and I don’t respond. My walls are up, because most of the time I’m kinda pissed off or in deep thought about a number of things way bigger than today’s weather, my shirt, or whatever else you think is utterly important about your day. Some days more than others when I think that the remarkable recovery I’ve made is turning the other way, and I get really anxious, makes me really pissed off.
Keeping my ears and mouth shut is self-preservation. It’s my only defense I have in not losing my job.
If I lose my job I lose everything. Actually I had some time yesterday to weigh some options while we are in open enrollment for benefits. There is actually a benefit of knowing you could die in the upcoming year. But, let’s focus on the now and I’ll get around to telling you about a Monday for the end times. I’m just glad my end times to occur that day/night.