It just hit me a moment ago that I have another distinct (among many) similarity with my dad. He and I since mom died are the only ones in the family who arrive daily to an empty home. I didn’t fully realize his pain and see how it related to mine till now. My dad has had a lot of opportunities/invitations to go out an do things, but he makes a lot of excuses. His new recent favorite is it’s too hot. Two weeks ago when many in the family/neighborhood were having a dance party for a terminally ill family member I tried my hand (in the little time I had) to convince him to go. His first excuse was it was too hot when it was actually quite mild for a mid August day/evening. But then something slipped in the conversation. He later said if mom was around he would probably go.
Given we all grieve differently I’m not certain why my dad has difficulty probably going to a more social setting outside of his comfort zone which is only immediate family. I can’t answer that, and I do hope once he processes, however he needs to process, he will find that the scary world out there isn’t any different the it was before then it was when he was coupled.
Everyone knows my preferences of being alone, but I’ve always craved to have a better social, and lively circle of friends at my disposal. I’ve been there before and it’s actually quite toxic for me. But I’ve learned to find moderation in things in my older years, and I have no fear of going out alone. The difficulty is being left alone when that is my quest/preference. Maybe that is what my dad wants too.
This wasn’t going to be a preface to tell you about my infamous Monday when I started, but let it be a preface to a preface about how vulnerable I am (not only with mom’s passing, but adding cancer to that as well), but likely how vulnerable my dad is too.
We both come home to empty homes on one extreme, and have the monster of the outside on the other extreme wanting to crush us with their attentiveness when we don’t want it. It’s a volatile thing.
For example, I was a ticking time bomb last Monday, and there were first tremors followed by multiple eruptions throughout the day. The monster left me in fear of losing everything even though another monster had already cursed me to losing it all anyhow. My caves would only be a fortress against the monsters if I would never need to leave it, but life is the only thing that can defeat the monsters.
I’m winning the battle against the monsters.