INFJ: Learning and exposing my owner’s manual
For the most part I’ve been in a downward spiral into a collision course for the past few months. I haven’t met the collision course yet, and would prefer to avoid whatever it might be, but I’m in a state where it seems inevitable.
I’ve essentially quit everything that was in essence was “good for me” in the past six months. First to go was cycling. That of course has led me to getting less exercise which has increased my girth tremendously. That leads to feeling even worse which has lead me to drink and eat more. Talk about ComPOUNDing the problem. I’ve stopped going out now for the most part. Going to work is the only thing I have the good fortune to making to everyday because society requires it to live. That in itself is a peril. I don’t talk to anyone, takes my breaks alone, and read and play games to avoid most personal contact. It’s sad, but safe. Do my job, and go home; get paid, repeat.
Realizing your troubles of course is the first step in correcting the problem, but this go ’round I’m continually met with self-apathy. I keep asking myself why change it? Long term health is always a good reason, but the reasons in the past that has led me to turn things around has been to be more attractive, more socially acceptable, mostly drive my self-worth to the masses.
After a decade of caring about self-worth it comes to a point where you find out it doesn’t matter. My overall life with relationships (social/work/women) didn’t change when my weight was way down. Yes I felt better, yes I was more confident, and had some great times. In the end my relationships were short, my friends were few, and the job hopping epidemic continued.
It was on the inside.
I attempted therapy many times, and several anti-depressants. Nothing worked.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
The early part of 2013 I was met with one of the most difficult chapters in my life. When it all started to settle out I found I guess what was not only an escape, but a brush with a dream. A job, though only part-time, allowed me to show off my best talents fully for the first time. It helped me forget the past difficulties and help create an identity and procure the wants and needs I’ve always been rejected from. Getting an opportunity to share my passions by pouring and teaching not only a product, but a connection to the past, present, and future of every thread of my being wanted to be a part of.
Though mostly quiet, I was on the cusp of being a superstar. I was selected to be a bigger part. My talents had been realized and rewarded finally. The problem is I met ‘Judge Judy’ (an ESTJ) head on.
‘Judge Judy’ only wants you to agree with her. Even if you know you’re right, in ‘Judge Judy’s’ eyes you’re wrong. Even if you have the best interest of the company, would do anything for it (including ingesting the yelling), doing an excellent job, making her customers happy, and creating a framework/vision nobody else was capable of..IT DOESN’T MATTER!
I’m guessing the only loss that would mean more to me would be a loss of an immediate family member which I fear every day. The not loss, but quitting, of the aforementioned job had of been the next closest thing to it. I’ve shed a few tears closing some relationships with girlfriends, but this was, and still is, brutal and resonating more than anything before. Only the general manager knew how difficult it was for me to quit, it was the last thing I had expected to do. I found out recently he quit too.
At first I had to revert to some self-discovery. Why? I have no friends to share things with. Emotions are something I need to spill more than anything else, yet I’m left to my own (deVICES) destruction in my head. My self diagnosis on my first go ’round was that I was simply an overachiever. That was quite a find. After I had rebounded (aka got lucky) and acquired a new – mundane job I was settled for a bit, but the anger and frustration was still bubbling over. The holidays was not a good time for me. It’s still not if only slightly better.
Just as I was rebounding I had another scare. The new job was closing my department. Just as my security was starting to gel a little I felt like I was being swallowed whole. Bring on self-discovery round 2. Though I’m still feeling very vulnerable and mostly hopeless, this round is a game changer. While doing a job search I ran across my old friend I met in early in college, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I can’t remember what my type was then (though my combination sounds close/familiar), but learning that little code (INFJ) again has given me something to obsess about and get to the root of who I am. Most importantly it has helped me learn that nothing is really wrong me; it’s just that 1) nobody understands me, 2) I won’t let anyone have the opportunity to understand me, and 3) I don’t even understand me.
My personality code is about 1% of the US population, and male INFJ’s are even rarer. Stubborn? Yep. Enigmatic? Yep. I’m not going to go on here at the moment. Anyhow, when I read the general descriptions of INFJ’s I was met with a lot of relief. Yeah, it doesn’t change me, but understanding myself better will help me grow, and maybe find elusive happiness, success, or more importantly structure and stability.
Those tabs at the top of my web page will soon debut another simply called ‘INFJ’. There needs to be a place for me to dump all of the stuff I’ve read and processed because my brain is seriously full. This is the most I’ve read and researched a topic since college. Most importantly it will be a place where I can point to the next time I want to bring someone closer to my world to understand me. Maybe that girl I’m writing to will continue instead of stopping abruptly like the rest of them.
I seek closure, happiness, structure, stability, and most importantly only a tiny little slice of what the rest of you enjoy.
I’m not asking for much. I’m a giver. This is my gift to you.
[Continued on the INFJ tab]