“The kids on the playground don’t want to talk to you”
So yesterday was one of those times where I would have preferred to have blogged in the moment, but that work thing was kind of in the way. Conveniently, my normal blog time has become Saturday mornings so I didn’t have to wait long, and had some time to reflect about it as well.
To preface, I’ve been really bummed in the past couple of weeks. Multiple and recurring reasons I suppose. For one, I’ve come to terms that I give up too easily, yet giving up in another light isn’t in my DNA. I get frustrated more than it is giving up. I’ll quit something for a while, but then my determination kicks again and I try, and then I try a little harder. It finally gets to the point with everything that I just simply try too hard. When I get to this point I give up only to re-evaluate and redo a whole new level of trying too hard. Rinse and repeat. At what point do I make it stop, or is there a good reason sometimes to really give up!
Yesterday at work the words uttered in the blog post title was said to me in a review, and all kinds of images, thoughts, and emotions came rushing back; mostly bad. In my short two month term at work thus far my tenacity, experience, and dedication has resulted in what those things should get you – promotions. The human side of that though is promotions (especially when expedited) also gets you what my supervisor said so well…”the kids on the playground don’t want to talk to you’. I’m not certain how well my face could be read, but suddenly I remembered my job in Indianapolis that moved me to Milwaukee, another job that got someone fired, my job in Fort Wayne, etc. But it went way deeper than that in what shook me. An image of me sitting against the flagpole in elementary school at recess. You probably think, what did I get in trouble for? Nothing. I actually got in trouble for sitting by that flagpole. Why? Because I wasn’t playing with the other kids. Why wasn’t I playing with the other kids? You got it…”the kids on the playground don’t want to talk to you”.
So, essentially this has been an ongoing problem since I was a kid. I remember having the realization years ago that I was a straight A student until the kids lost their innocence. It was cool to be a straight A student until you hit about the third grade. That’s when I started being bullied and my grades suffered. Generally if you were smart AND cool you could get away with it, but I was fat. I was 66 lbs. in Kindergarten. I remember that so plainly being written in my report card. In the past few weeks, as I still continue the weight battle that I’ll never win, it hit me that I am winning.How so? I’ve walked I estimate 250 miles in the past couple of months, and I still put on weight. How is that winning? I realize that if I didn’t make the effort I’ve been so diligent about over the past 10 years that I would be 400 lbs. My body makeup with normal human activity; driving to work, sitting at work, eating fast food, watching shit-ton of movies, would result in me being 400+ lbs. Instead I’m a 250 lb., mostly healthy, 400 pounder. But, society has dictated I’m a loser because I can’t fit in skinny jeans or have to exercise daily by walking or biking to still be fat.
Basically I’m here to say that I’m sorry that my limited amounts of success burdens you so
damn fucking much.
Back on the subject of work, I found myself alone and isolated, again, which in turn leaves me to check Facebook and play Pocket Frogs on my breaks, and walk a mile on my lunches. I’d rather much make a positive out of a negative. I’m sorry that I feel more confident by dressing up most days when I could just wear jeans or a scarf with a t-shirt instead (which is fucking stupid). I notice that the work environment is still the race to be cool like in school. I made the mistake of meeting some co-workers at a bar after work. Fortunately I couldn’t stay because I had other plans, but I was there long enough to re-learn a valuable lesson. Don’t go to a bar with co-workers. We will all (in either giving/receiving or saying/hearing) something vile about a fellow co-worker. This happened in the first couple of minutes of being there. Fortunately it was what I heard, and not what I said. I totally lost respect immediately for someone. Sad. I’ve felt pretty uncomfortable at work for the past couple of weeks, but leaving won’t make it better. Why? Because it will happen at every job I go to till I retire or die. It doesn’t follow me, it is me. In short, my job in Fort Wayne I was expedited from proofreader to quality control in about 6 months when it normally takes 3-4 years to reach that position. Made for an uncomfortable environment. I left. I moved to Indianapolis and found a job as a temp with the State. The person I was hired to assist rarely showed up and didn’t work when she was there. Uncomfortable position, until she got fired. I got blamed and got harassing phone calls because it was my fault that someone with a kid got fired. I got laid-off from that job because Mitch Daniels is an ass. My next job, I was only directly working with 4 other people, but since others didn’t want to play with me (or vice versa I think) I was isolated to the mail room because I was good at it, yes, but it was so others didn’t have to socialize with me. With that expedited success I wanted to move to Milwaukee, and I was awarded that wish. There I had to directly work with about 30 people, the staff mostly of about 15 women that didn’t want to ‘play’ with me because I didn’t want to place bets on “Dancing with the Stars’. They conveniently made it so isolating, that they plotted behind my back to get me fired. I got the last laugh, but it left me very reluctant to return to working in an office for awhile. People didn’t want to play on the Twitter playground in person, or in ‘real time’, so I lost my network in Milwaukee which ultimately brought me ‘back home’.
Knowing and following pop culture, or wearing a t-shirt with a scarf, will get you further in life than being smart.
Back on the subject of trying too hard and giving up is back to my recurring subject of dating. I pretty much have quit flirting or dealing with a dating site because of all of its recurring failures, but I still feel guilty for giving up. Do I give up or keep on trying too hard? I can’t seem to find a happy medium. My immediate solution is to still participate in the dating world, but only with ridiculous demands and standards. Then, I’m still trying, but can’t be disappointed. ‘Have to be bold’ is my mantra. I may re-open this trial again today.
Oh, the timing..one of my favorite songs just started playing as I was ending this post:
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it’s all because of this desire
I just want to be liked
I just want to be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire
I’m never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I’d rather be a mystery
Than she desert me